Two steps forward, one step back?

For the past few weeks, I’ve been silent on Facebook, and generally the internet.  Between sick kids, school, work, my husband, and being sick myself, I honestly needed a “break” from the page.  As much as I love the page, and it is in a way, a therapy for me, at times, it can be a lot, taking in others issues, along with my own.

The past few weeks havent been the smoothest at home either.  My husband has been moodier, shorter patience, and all around refusing to deal with doctors or any more doctor appointments.  To be honest, everything has left me feeling raw, with that insecurity feeling creeping back in, along with self doubt, and questing my ability to handle a backslide from my husband should it happen.  This is a feeling I hate, that leaves me a feeling of helplessness, and an opening for a downward spiral for my self into an avoidance, and depression.

I often suggest to other spouses to make sure they get into counseling for themselves, but this is a suggestion I have yet to do for myself.  I’ve been in counseling before, but due to time, are no longer making sure my mental health is taken care of.  It is in part for having to go down a road of bringing up old memories, and hurts, and dealing with them.  It is also in part because of time between school, work, kids, husband, and household.  When I do have time, I try to relax and just savor the moment with my kids and husband, but with everything going on, that is rarely the case.  As a result, I get frustrated, and I get bitchy.  That bitchyness, I am ashamed to say, gets taken out on my family at times.  I bitch about the house, because most times, things only get done if I do them.

I think at times, I do so much and keep so busy, so I dont have to think about things, or mull over could of, should of, would of, or the wrong turns I took when PTSD came into our lives.  I still dont always make the best decision or know the right answer.  Often enough, I am flying by the seat of my pants.  No one has said “this is how you do it, this is how you deal with it.”

As frustrating as things can get for me, I imagine them that much worse for my husband.   I know he is tired of doctors visits, and me making him go, but I want us to grow old together.  Anyone could understand that, right?  So why doesnt he seem to get that?  Why cant he see that I want him to grow old with me, watching our kids grow, graduate from school/college, get married and have kids of their own?

I think that is the most frustrating part of it all…about our story with PTSD.  The fact that he isnt always able to see these things.  To focus on that.  The fact that most of the time, he rarely shares with me what is going on with him, when he used to always share.  I could ask him what he was thinking, and he would tell me.  Now I get the proverbial “nothing” or when I ask how he is doing, its “Im fine,” even though I know he isnt fine.  It is frustrating to no end at times.

That being said, Im thankful.  I am thankful for all he does.  I’m thankful he isnt where he once was, in that extremely dark place that he couldnt get out of.  The fear is still there we will backslide to that place, but in part I try to not focus on that.  I mean I cant right?  If I do, then how can I enjoy life, constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop, but still, it is always at the back of my mind.

Aristotle quote

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2 thoughts on “Two steps forward, one step back?

  1. My husband has been very sick with his ptsd and stomach issues the past couple months. Doctors appts almost every day, he would sleep through them while I was at work or I would have to come home from work to wake him up and make him go. He was up all night wouldn’t go to bed until 5 or 6 am, ad sleep until 5 pm waking up in a rage and depressed. This begun to spiral out of control to the point where I exhausted all my options, he was feeling ready to die. On Friday we were supposed to move into a bigger house in hopes to fix he problem, he could have a man cave to escape and get personal space, hopefully on a better sleep schedule as start eating again. But when we went to sign the lease he was in a PTSD rage and I couldn’t go trough with it. I sent him home with his mom to get some space for both of us to get healthy. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it was not going to get better if we moved Ito a bigger house. The problem is in his mind and he needs to get away for a while from this stressful environment and focus on himself, and I need to do the same, so we can become stronger for each other. I’ve been waking up panicked and depressed but I know that I made th riht decision. There’s no way he could have continued another week the way his health was going. He would have ended his life or hurt someone with his rage. I am praying that this temporary separation and his family taking over will help him realize he needs to get better for his wife and daughter. An I am going I get counseling for myself to learn how to cope with the PTSD better. We still plan to be married and be together after we both get better. Get a new place and start on a new chapter. Idk how you do it and stay so strong by yourself.

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  2. Sigh….so my husband has been on prescription pills for 6 years and the past 6 months it seems 2 weeks will be okay….then 1 week Withdrawls…and 1 week of good….then he gets prescription refill and it starts all over again. We have been at our worsted the past couple months, he has recently become physically abusive on top of his already emotional and verbal abuse. He said he’s getting off because he doesn’t want to lose his family. He has been 5 days clean, supposedly. With his lying I don’t believe anything he says. Well today he tells me Dr. Wants to lower his dose but him to continue to take them. I told him there is no need to lower abd slowly wing if you have been clean for 5 days but I don’t say anything because it is a trigger I don’t want to push. They are for pain in his knees, back, and shoulder. He has ptsd bipolar. Sigh…..I just don’t know what to think or say.

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