For the past few weeks, I’ve been silent on Facebook, and generally the internet.  Between sick kids, school, work, my husband, and being sick myself, I honestly needed a “break” from the page.  As much as I love the page, and it is in a way, a therapy for me, at times, it can be a lot, taking in others issues, along with my own.

The past few weeks havent been the smoothest at home either.  My husband has been moodier, shorter patience, and all around refusing to deal with doctors or any more doctor appointments.  To be honest, everything has left me feeling raw, with that insecurity feeling creeping back in, along with self doubt, and questing my ability to handle a backslide from my husband should it happen.  This is a feeling I hate, that leaves me a feeling of helplessness, and an opening for a downward spiral for my self into an avoidance, and depression.

I often suggest to other spouses to make sure they get into counseling for themselves, but this is a suggestion I have yet to do for myself.  I’ve been in counseling before, but due to time, are no longer making sure my mental health is taken care of.  It is in part for having to go down a road of bringing up old memories, and hurts, and dealing with them.  It is also in part because of time between school, work, kids, husband, and household.  When I do have time, I try to relax and just savor the moment with my kids and husband, but with everything going on, that is rarely the case.  As a result, I get frustrated, and I get bitchy.  That bitchyness, I am ashamed to say, gets taken out on my family at times.  I bitch about the house, because most times, things only get done if I do them.

I think at times, I do so much and keep so busy, so I dont have to think about things, or mull over could of, should of, would of, or the wrong turns I took when PTSD came into our lives.  I still dont always make the best decision or know the right answer.  Often enough, I am flying by the seat of my pants.  No one has said “this is how you do it, this is how you deal with it.”

As frustrating as things can get for me, I imagine them that much worse for my husband.   I know he is tired of doctors visits, and me making him go, but I want us to grow old together.  Anyone could understand that, right?  So why doesnt he seem to get that?  Why cant he see that I want him to grow old with me, watching our kids grow, graduate from school/college, get married and have kids of their own?

I think that is the most frustrating part of it all…about our story with PTSD.  The fact that he isnt always able to see these things.  To focus on that.  The fact that most of the time, he rarely shares with me what is going on with him, when he used to always share.  I could ask him what he was thinking, and he would tell me.  Now I get the proverbial “nothing” or when I ask how he is doing, its “Im fine,” even though I know he isnt fine.  It is frustrating to no end at times.

That being said, Im thankful.  I am thankful for all he does.  I’m thankful he isnt where he once was, in that extremely dark place that he couldnt get out of.  The fear is still there we will backslide to that place, but in part I try to not focus on that.  I mean I cant right?  If I do, then how can I enjoy life, constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop, but still, it is always at the back of my mind.